maidink's rating scale for restaurants

When it comes to eating establishments, I can tell how good a place will be by their way of the napkin.

no stars - You must use your sleeve as a napkin. If you are in short sleeves, you're screwed.

1 star - Napkins are available - you just rip them out of the catalogs that are along the front window ledge of the joint.

2 stars - Take as many paper napkins as you want 'cause they're in one of those nifty chrome dispensers. Don't look for any silverware 'cause more than likely it's plastic and you probably won't need it anyway.

3 stars - These places normally put the napkins (still made of paper) out for you, albeit they're in a pile in the middle of your table. But at least you get silverware, usually two settings. Parties of more than two must learn to share.

4 stars - Napkins are still paper, but they are bigger and wrapped around your silverware and held together with a neat cigarband. And with a good stretch of the imagination, the band can double as a crown for the little ones. Everyone gets one so no need to share.

5 stars - Napkins are made of cloth and are on the table neatly folded along with your silverware. No, the silverware is not folded, too.

6 stars - Napkins are in some organic-like shape and sit in the water goblet at your seat. Silverware is lined up nicely in front of you. Now all that silverware might look a bit confusing since you're used to plasticware in individual wrappers. Don't fret and do as Julia Roberts did in "Pretty Woman" - work your way from the outside in.

7 stars - It don't go any higher than this. There is no napkin right away because the waiter places it in your lap as you are seated. Silverware is still stacked as above. Just use the Julia method and all will be fine. Unless you dine at the White House or Buckingham palace, the chances of this type of treatment are slim to zippo.