If women are afraid of mice, what are men afraid of? I know!

I've said it before and I'll never stop saying it: My parents are an endless source of blogging fodder.


This incident actually happened a week or so before Christmas; however, at the time, I was just so friggin busy in work, I had zero time to relay it to you. But now the downtime is upon us and I can blog for a few minutes.

I mention that it happened in the not so distant past because one or two aspects of the tale won't match to current conditions. You'll get what I mean when you read it.

So there we are, I called my mom after I picked the baby up from school. The conversation started as benignly as always. How am I, how's the princess, did she have fun, is she ready for Santa, yadda yadda yadda. She asked me to call her when I get home so she knows I'm not lying in the preverbial ditch just outside of Bummshit Nowhere.

mom: You'll have to call the cell, honey. We won't be home.

me: Okay, just remember the cell phone works much better when you turn it on.

mom (said with dry sarcasm) : Ha-ha-ha. You're very funny.

me: I try to be.

Mom is now laughing in a low chuckle to herself. Elderly women laughing for no reason is not uncommon. But I wanted in on the joke.

me (with eyebrow-raised voice) : What's so funny?

mom: You just reminded me of something funny that I wanted to tell you.

me: Okay. .......... what?

mom: Oh. It happened to you father today. Did I tell you about it?

oh boy

me: No, but I can tell it ought to be good.

mom: Oh, it is. Your father went to his favorite store* today.

me: And he got lost.

mom: No. He was going to his favorite store and I remembered that we needed something. So I called him and he didn't answer.

me: He lost the cellphone?

In no way am I insinuating my dad always loses things. I was just being a smartass.

mom: No. Will you let me tell the story?! I called him again - no answer. Now I'm worried (big frigging shock there). I'm thinking "what if he got into an accident?" or "what if the car slid on some ice and he's in a ditch?" ... you know how I think. Well, I called again and he answered and sounded a little funny. I asked was there anything wrong. He (laughing) told me that he had the cellphone on (laughing again) silencer. You know - vibrator?

Hearing my mom say the word vibrator sounds so wrong.

me (trying to talk over her laughing): Okay, what was it?

mom: He had the phone (now she's really laughing) on the middle part of the car. And when it rang, (now she is laughing and trying to talk) he heard a funny noise. He told me, "I thought there was a rat in the car".

Now the woman is laughing non-stop. I was laughing, too, but not as bad. There had to be more. After a few seconds, she gathers herself.

mom: He saw the phone, picked it up, and put it in his pants pocket. Then I called back (another burst of laughter). He said he was jumping all around in the driver seat because when I called, it rang in his pocket but it only buzzed because it was on vibrate. (laughing really hard) He thought the rat (laughing again) crawled up his leg.

me: (now I'm laughing) Oh mom, that is priceless.

mom: He's telling me he's jumping *up* *and* *down* (you can actually hear her making dual hand motions of jumping as she is talking) in the driver seat on Frankford Avenue and all these people are staring at him. He says, "I was trying to get the rat off of me!" He's saying "Jesus Christ! How the hell did a damn rat get in here?"

Now mom is laughing so hard the conversation has to change or else she'll need to breathe in a paper bag.

This is the same man who, all of my life, whenever I did something outwardly stupid, would look at me, shake his head, and say, "You really are a donkey."

I love my dad.

* - Dad's favorite store is Food Basics. He loves that store! Give the man a place to shop for cheap and he's as happy as a pig in shit